You can do that when you're married
Get the chai ready.
Ever heard the famous line “You can do that when you're married" because same and I'm DoNe with it.
Till this day there are parents still using that phrase and it’s not nice to hear. Stop. This is not okay and its seriously not healthy. You do realise you are teaching your daughter that she can do as she pleases only when she is married therefore, she will view marriage totally different. She will see marriage as a gate way to freedom and that is not marriage. Stop teaching daughters that she can do as she pleases only when she is married.
Marriage is more than that. I remember in my late teens and I would be dreaming about how I would like to travel to places like Milan and Paris and I wanted to study further etc. However, because of culture I cannot travel on my own and I can do all that when I am married and if my husband allows it. Come on, seriously? I understand that travelling alone is scary and of course having someone there with you would put parents’ hearts at ease however, it did put me off the idea of marriage because I knew marriage is much more than that. Culture seems to Although, for a short period of time I did believe that marriage would solve all my problems but honestly, that's not the case. Do not push marriage onto us as if it is our only option in life to succeed in whatever we want to do.
Because do you know how we will respond? What’s our favourite line girls "I can't wait to get married so I am out the house”? How many of us have used that? Some of us would use it as a joke and we can joke about it all and even I am guilty of doing so but some of us use it and mean it. You see, even I once believed marriage would give me certain amount of freedom and I will be able to go out as I please and pretty much do whatever I want and that made me want marriage more than ever at one point of my life. However, I forgot that with marriage comes with responsibilities. Of course, marriage is beautiful and it’s the start of new beginnings and I do want that but just don’t mix marriage with freedom you know? There are girls whom are going to confuse the two and see them as one meaning. Alright, let’s get the definitions out:
Marriage: The legally or formally recognised union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).
Freedom: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.
Right, as we can see freedom has a totally different meaning and the individual has the right to act, speak or think as ONE and not what the other person wants. Therefore, how can we relate marriage with freedom? In the end the only way we can get what we want is if we listened to others and not listen to ourselves? What is the true actual meaning behind that line? What do you achieve out of it? If it's because she will no longer be under your roof which means you do not have to take care of her then let her move out. If it's because you are scared of her wellbeing of travelling alone then let her travel with her siblings or even friends. Do you see how confusing that is honestly even I am confused??? I truly understand it’s got to do with being worried for the person, but they are grown and like I said in my pervious posts they can make up their own mind and know their limits.
I was talking to a friend about marriage and how there is so much more than what people and families put out there. You are starting a new life together with your partner and joining two families together to create your own little family one day. Not to mention, you are a wife, daughter and possibly will be a mother and also take care of your new family and your husband. So yes, there is a lot on your plate and don't say it is easy. Do not mix your daughters ambition in life with marriage because the two do not mix together and it truly does not make sense. Allow her to grow as a person and not feel pressured into uncomfortable situations.
There is so much to talk and ponder about this and honestly, I can write on forever which I rather not. Even now I find it hard to find solutions to these problems and I know so many are going through this. It is something that does need to be spoken about and things have to change because it cannot stay this way forever. I understand as you grow older you unlock certain amount of freedom but please stop associating marriage as a gateway to the freedom you already deserve.
If I was to talk about myself, I do like travelling to places alone and doing activities on my own because that’s how I am, and I know some others also like to do the same. So, when someone threatens that of course you will feel some type of way and feel differently towards it and even question yourself around it which is normal. Also, before making any irrational decisions just think through it first yourself and note down bullet points which sometimes helps put your thoughts together and see what you really want and don't want. Sometimes other peoples advice do help us make decisions but sometimes they can cloud our thoughts with theirs so always best to check through with yourself by yourself first.
That's the chai.